Having career aspirations despite parenthood and moving countries
Today I would like to share with you the story of Nadejda who moved from Moldova to Germany at the beginning of 2020 – just a couple of weeks before the first lockdown. She and her husband have been rather proactive in their approach to moving abroad and have deliberately set it in motion. In this Role Model Portrait, you’ll learn what it’s like to move with two children into an empty apartment in the midst of a global pandemic, how impostor syndrome can affect all aspects of your life, and how Nadejda is enhancing her career abroad by getting back to studies.
Having career aspirations as a woman is totally normal
Nadejda was born and raised in Moldova to parents who always worked. Her parents are still very passionate about their professions, providing sound proof to her and her brother that having a family and pursuing a fulfilling career can positively impact and enhance one’s long-term legacy.
She grew up with the idea that having career aspirations as a woman is totally normal, desirable, and should be encouraged. She started her corporate career in banking in an area that gave her a broad insight into the company’s structure and its organizational dynamics, allowing both a holistic understanding of the business and personalized contacts with all organizational levels. Though she liked her job very much and her career became a significant part of her identity and self-image, this was not enough to just quit the plan of also having a family, as she wanted and needed both.
So, when the “two-kids-plan” was brought forward at the “family council”, the main question was “how to make it work” rather than being procrustean about “what to sacrifice: career or family”.
When maternity comes… and stays
After giving birth to their first son, Nadejda took parental leave, initially planning to return to work after 6 months. But life with a very needy baby was going to be different compared to the idyllic expectations. So, when it became clear that the 6 months deadline can’t be met, she prioritized her family over the career in the short term, started focusing on recovery and on just living the experience.
When remote work enables you to get going
In the meantime, she started working at a remote-first company. This new home office arrangement changed everything for her. Counterintuitively, the second work vs. pregnancy vs. birth experience turned out to be way better than planned. She basically worked through pregnancy and was back home in front of her three screens shortly after giving birth. Not because she had to, but because she wanted to and because it was possible. The only ones with raised eyebrows were the nurses at the hospital when seeing a peacefully-sleeping baby and a smiling mother writing emails and closing tasks on her laptop. This, of course, was possible also thanks to an extensive support network consisting of her partner, her parents, a full daycare, a nanny, and a company that allowed flexible hours. Despite the challenges and struggles, it was a perfect scenario for her, and it felt very fulfilling to be able to continue to work and take care of the children.
Her children were very different in how much they needed their mother and that revealed again: it doesn’t matter what ideal scenario about being a working mother you have on your mind. One needs to recognize that every child is different and you need to adapt your plans to the circumstances. What would have been unthinkable after the first birth was now possible again with two children at once. That was also a good realization and preparation for the adventure abroad. Here, too, you have many plans and ideas and only realize when you are there how much the other culture and the foreign country shapes you and presents unexpected solutions and hurdles.
The proactive decision to move to Germany
In Nadejda’s case, the move abroad was something she and her husband had been considering as a family endeavor.
Everyone had their interests taken into account. One could say that the move from Moldova to Germany was a win-win situation for everyone. Her husband had the opportunity for professional promotion, she had the opportunity to complete her long-awaited MBA, and the children would have the opportunity to raise in a bilingual setting with greater opportunities. When talking about what it would be like to move abroad, Germany was the first option because of the connection she felt with the German language and culture. She learned German as a foreign language at school from an early age and also learned a lot about German traditions and history. She completed a Bachelor’s degree in International Economic Relationships that also had a German profile. She was also able to participate in a two-semester student exchange experience in Germany as a DAAD scholarship holder.
So the two of them took their luck into their own hands and when the opportunity arose through her husband’s employer, they immediately jumped at it.
„Moving abroad was something we designed together as a couple.“
Why an MBA?
For some expat partners, extended study abroad is a great way to stay up to date with their skills and manage entry into the local job market. For Nadejda the idea to do an international MBA was born even before moving abroad. Her motivation for doing this MBA resides in a commitment to lifelong learning. An MBA education can make a significant difference and it is valuable because it grants a holistic view of what is happening on the corporate ground. How are decisions made on behalf of the company? How do you prepare a company for modern challenges? These were all questions she wanted to get to the bottom of herself, and the MBA in General Management at ISM seems to give her the answers. She applied and was accepted to this program before booking the one-way tickets to Germany, and she started her course only three weeks after arriving in Germany. By doing this, she deliberately chose the “MBA candidate” identity along with that of an expat spouse and invites every person out there who considers accompanying their partner abroad to look beyond the simple act of moving and also dare to define their own context and identities.
The tremendous project management of expatriation
When the decision was made, they had planned everything down to the smallest detail. For both, it was a huge project management task that they tackled with commitment and enthusiasm. Her husband went ahead and she followed four months later with their two children, then 2 and 5 years old. Well, you can plan and organize a lot of things but unfortunately not everything and certainly not the effects of a worldwide pandemic. The first lockdown in Germany came as a complete surprise. They were sitting in a half-furnished apartment that didn’t feel at home at all. All services were affected by the pandemic and there were delivery bottlenecks and delays. They went into the pragmatic mode, as she puts it. In the end, they got everything done but it took longer than planned.
When the impostor syndrome hits you in your role as a parent
Nadejda and her husband were welcomed with open arms by many in Germany, except by their neighbors beneath. The neighbors were anything but thrilled to have a family with two small children living above them, and what was initially just annoying quickly developed into aggressive behavior on their part. So it became difficult for the newly-relocated family to feel safe in their own four walls. Were they bad parents? Did they not have their children under control as their neighbors suggested? This was a low point, making them question not only their parenting, but also their legacy as humans, and the decision to work and study in Germany as well. (If you want to read more about Impostor Syndrome I recommend this article here.
"Sometimes you need to move twice just to find the place you’re actually looking for. And that’s ok.“
It also impacted the children, who started having regular nightmares and tantrums as they sensed something was not ok. So, six months after their initial arrival, they moved again, this time down the road, where they discovered a warm and caring community of neighbors. This is the best proof of how the Impostor Syndrome affects every aspect of your life (not only in a corporate setting) and that you are able to create change for the better when you dare to do so.
Concentrating on adjusting abroad
I wondered how arriving in a foreign country was for the four of them. Even when the move abroad was proactively initiated, it is still a big step that can bring a lot of desired but also unwanted changes. Of course, the pandemic complicated everything and caused unexpected problems. But there were also some challenges outside the pandemic. For one, the unfamiliar daycare system in Germany, which many expats (but also Germans – including me as the author) struggle with. In comparison, childcare hours are way shorter and it took longer to find two places at once, especially because the lockdown kicked in, and the institutions were not working at their full capacity. Though, they were pleasantly surprised by how clear, formalized, and organized the relocation-related procedures are. Bureaucracy is there, she says, but at least it is well-organized. With some occasional persistence, one can find answers to any question and support for any situation.
"Our focus during the first year abroad was channeled to the children’s wellbeing and it was rewarding.“
What's next?
She is in the process of writing her MBA thesis and will then start looking for a job in Germany. In the course of her education, she is also offered career coaching. This has made her realize how valuable it is not to grab the first job but to think about the essential questions first.
For her, these are:
- What is really important to me at this point in my life?
- What am I truly interested in?
This is a very valuable and momentous insight. In fact, this is also a core theme in many of my coaching sessions and for many, it is an intense journey to get to the point of this realization that you first need to address the WHY and WHAT before you deal with the question of HOW to enter a foreign job market. (read more in this blog post here).
Nadejda talks about this very reflectively. It is amazing to see what coaching and taking your time can do to your career planning. Her decisions are based on having the answers to the important questions and instead of taking on just any job, there is a profound and purposeful intention behind it.
“Look beyond the simple act of moving and dare to define your own context.”
Her tips for other expats and expat partners
It is always remarkable what wealth of experience expats have and pass on to others. Nadejda is no exception there and I am delighted that she is sharing a few important tips with you that life easier for her:
Learn the language:
For Nadejda, learning the local language is key to full integration. Especially when there are children involved. A common language is a window to new friendships, to new books, to new understandings, and to a fitter brain. And besides, as she experienced it, when getting to understand and feel the German language, it can give you goosebumps – so beautiful it is.
Take your kids with you:
Put integration first:
Looking back, Nadejda realized for herself how valuable it was that she focused on her MBA and integrating the children first. There is no shortcut for integration. Even if your career is very important to you, you can’t separate it from your personal life. You have to come to terms with your personal struggles first. In Nadejda’s case, her MBA studies started shortly after she arrived, and despite the limited childcare hours due to the pandemic, looking back she is glad to have had so much time to spend with her children.
Mind everyones’ interests:
While she and her husband made the decision to go to Germany consciously, her children were only passively involved in the process. They missed their friends and their routine. The first year after arrival was therefore focused precisely on that: Arriving. They consciously faced this process and prioritized family, time together, and integration activities.
Don’t overpromise:
Be sincere with what you want:
Think carefully about what you want in life and what is important to you. Use the time abroad as an opportunity to align your life more with it.
Be persistent:
Sometimes you have to call three times to get something done or write to the same person over and over again. This is especially difficult in an unfamiliar cultural setting, but it is important to have your goals in mind and remain confident.
Be open and humble:
Let the foreign country affect you and be open to change. Be open to others. Everyone carries a story – show interest and take time to hear it.
Journal
Write down your thoughts and experiences. When you look back from time to time you will realize how much you have developed and much you have changed and grown while living abroad.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart dear Nadejda for sharing your story with us! Your story is a beautiful example of a proactive decision-making process. You, along with your husband, set your vision and made it a reality. You guided your family through the pandemic and created a home in a foreign country, and you fulfilled a long-held dream with your MBA. I wish you all the best for your upcoming projects and entry into the German job market. Keep us posted!
Would you like to read more Role Model Stories? You can find here an overview of all Role Models over the last months. Each story shows an individual way to find purpose and joy abroad! Do you also want to share your story? Then introduce yourself here and I will contact you.
Do you know anyone who might find this helpful? Share the Love by sharing this article
MORE BLOG POSTS
